DEADLY PET REUNION

NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED--NOT EVEN IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM

6 AUG 2014--NATIONAL--COAST TO COAST

STORY BY LE CAVALIER

#01-004

CONCORD, N.H.--In a grizzly twist of fate, an aging tabby was malled to death by the same dog she

played sarrogate mother to a few years before when the canine was only a pup.

     Yolanda Matthison, owner of Gigi the tabby, thought it would be a great idea to have her son,

Jared, bring over Mr. Nelson, his Great Dane, whom Gigi had milked and cared for along with the

rest of her litter two-years prior.  "A few years back, my son [Jared] was in town on business," she

recalled, "He contacted me and told me he'd found a small puppy near a dumpster just crying for his

mama.  Knowing how I love animals, he knew I'd take it in."  She added, "Poor thing was still on the

milk."  Gigi had just given birth to five kittens, so Yolanda figured she'd try a little experiment.

     Placing the puppy in the basket with the other kittens Yolanda hoped Gigi would adopt him.  Sure 

enough, Gigi began caring for the dog just as if it was one of her own.  Once Mr. Nelson was weaned, 

Jared returned and took the dog to live with he and his son in Windsor County, Vermont.  

     After watching a nature show on PBS depicting animal odd couples, Yolanda came up with the

idea of a reunion.  She immediately shared it with Jared.  "When my mom called and told me what

she had planned, I was reluctant...I didnt think she really understood how big Mr. Nelson had gotten,

I mean, he's a Great Dane!"  

     Not wanting to dissappoint his mother, Jared decided to go through with it.  "I figured there had to 

be some kind of maternal connection between the two that would prevent the worse from happening.  

Besides, Nelson's a good dog, he's never shown any aggression towards anything, he's just a big 

goofy dog."  Yolanda was taken back by his size, "He was big as a horse!"  Admittingly, she had 

second thoughts, but her son had already taken the long trip so she was committed.  "When I 

went to get Gigi, it felt like I was walking her down the 'green-mile'--like an executioner."

     Everything was fine in the beginning.  There were a few growls and light hissing but nothing for 

them to get excited about.  The two owners began to relax and enjoy the moment.  "It was just 

like on the PBS show," Yolanda observed, "They were pawing and frolicking.  That big 

dog turned into the puppy I always remembered.  It was a beautiful sight to see!"

     But things turned ugly when she decided to give Mr. Nelson a head rub.  Reaching in, she 

accidentally stepped on Gigi's tail sending the cat reeling in pain towards the dog.  "Gigi latched onto 

Nelson's muzzle," Jared remembers, "She dug into him with those claws something awful!"  Mr. 

Nelson reacted with deadly results.  Yolanda tearfully relived the moment, "He clamped down on her 

and began to shake her up like a rag doll."  Jared reached in to free her, but he was bitten.  Falling 

back, he and his mother could only watch as the once orphaned dog shook the life out of the

 very cat that preserved his.  Jared recalled, "When Gigi finally stopped moving, Mr. Nelson just 

dropped her to the floor and walked over to mama for that head rub."  

     Animal contol officers were called and declared Gigi dead at the scene.  After a cursory 

behavioral check they determined the incident was an isolated occurrence.  Jared was allowed 

to retain custody Mr. Nelson.  "I'm going to sue PBS," declared Yolanda, "My Gigi would 

still be alive today if they hadn't made it seem so easy."  Jared assured us he'd take care of 

Gigi's final arrangements, "She'll get full honors and a queen's burial in mama's backyard."  

     

      

     

     

MOBSTER MISTAKENLY KIDNAP'S OWN SON

Murphy "Poky" Granthum being held without bail at the London Constable's Office

Liverpool Henchman Suffers A Severe Case Of Mistaken Identity.

5 Aug 2014-- INTERNATIONAL--GLOBAL WATCH

STORY BY LE CAVALIER

#01-003

LONDON, U.K.-- A notorious gangster belonging to the Liverpool Hardingwell Firm, is being

held without bail in a London jail for accidentally kidnapping his own son.  

     Murphy Granthum, known as "Poky", intended to nab the son of Marc Richard, a business 

owner who fell in debt with the Hardingwell firm last year.   Sources say, Granthum was hand 

picked to do the job because his own son attended the same primary school as Richard's.  

     On the afternoon of the kidnapping, the school was having a fancy dress party in 

celebration of the student's high test scores.  "I was told the boy would be dressed like Darth 

Vader.  That was my target--Darth Vader," Granthum said handcuffed to a gurney.

     Unbeknowst to him, his own son had decided to wear the same costume.  Police told us 

Granthum hid behind a wall as the children made their way through a narrow corridor.  Tying a 

piece of candy to a string, he lured his victim away from the group towards his dark hideout.  

When the boy was close enough Granthum threw a sack over his head and smothered his 

face to his chest preventing screams for help.

     "That wasn't the end of it," Chief Inspector Roland said.  "Granthum gave his boy a folding 

blade for situations such as this and the boy did just what he was tought to do, he stabbed his 

captor square in the chest."  With a knife embedded in his sternum, Granthum dropped the 

boy and fell to the ground.  Screaming for help, the boy pulled off the hood and costume 

helmet only to see his father lying in a pool of blood.  Granthum, looking up at his terrified son, 

could only murmer, "You're not supposed to be Darth Vader!", before passing out.  Police 

arrived and placed him under arrest while paramedics administered first aid.  No information 

concerning judiciary proceedings have been released.  

     

"UBER PIGGYBACK BANDIT" ARRESTED!

Alfredo "Uber Piggyback Bandit" Ponce, 26, Gardena, Ca.

"Uber Piggyback Bandit" Off The Streets.

4 AUG 2014--LOCAL--STREET BEAT

STORY BY LE CAVALIER

#01-002

HOLLYWOOD, CA. -- The Hollywood

Police Department has announced the 

arrest of Alfredo Ponce, 26, of Gardena,

Ca., this past Saturday, on suspicion of 

armed robbery, assault and battery,

kidnapping, and operating a fraudulant 

taxi service.   

     Dubbed the "Uber Piggyback Bandit", 

Ponce, lured in unsuspecting victims with  

his makeshift Uber Taxi mustache formed 

from the remaining hairs on the front of 

his otherwise shaved head. Once he had 

them on his back, he would strap them in 

and run them to a hidden location where

he would commence to beat and rob 

them.  

     His targets, consisted mainly of 

tourists who found the notion of a friendly

piggyback ride through Hollywood too 

good to pass up.  "He was like those 

guys running around in China pulling 

those people carts--what a work ethic!  I 

wanted to support the ingenuity." said 

one victim visiting from London who 

requested to remain anonymous.  Carol 

Daugherty of Strawberry, Arkansas, was 

severely beaten by Ponce.  Sitting in the 

emergency room with a fractured arm, 

she had this to say, "When he turned left 

after I told him to go right, I knew 

something was fishy."  

     In all, 34 victims fell to Ponce before 

he was finally arrested while getting touch 

ups at the Supercuts on Hollywood Blvd and 

Western Ave this past weekend.  Many have 

come forward identifying him as  

the Uber Piggyback Bandit.

     Uber public affairs office issued the following 

written statement, "We don't do mustaches, that's LYFT!".  

LYFT's response concerning fraudulent 

mustaches was precise and poignant,  "Our mustaches 

are pink, furry, and hang from car grills, not 

foreheads.  We in no way condone 

piggyback rides or any form of beastly 

burden such as that exhibited by Mr. Ponce."  

     Ponce, who plans to plead 'not 

guilty', is scheduled for arraignment on 

Friday, Aug. 15, 2014.  If convicted on all 

charges, he could recieve 10 years in a 

California state penatentary.  Bail has 

been set at 50,000 dollars.  

OH DONNA!

    Senior citizen and cross-dresser Don "Donna Simone" Geiger recovers from attempted rape.

75 year old cross-dressing man victim of attempted rape.

3 Aug 2014--Local--Street Beat
Story by Le Cavalier

HOLLYWOOD, CA. -- On Friday, Aug 1, at 9PM, police responded to an alleged 

attempted robbery and rape in the Silverlake area of east Hollywood.  75 year old 

cross-dresser, Don Geiger, who goes by the name Donna Simone when dressed in 

woman's clothing, was the apparent victim of a large Caucasian man who put him 

through a harrowing ordeal.  

     The incident happened along Fountain Ave. just west of the Sunset junction.  

Geiger, whose married and claims to be a straight man, reported taking a stroll in 

his favorite linen sun dress and arabian canvas sandal's when he said,

someone approached him from behind.  "I heard a whisper over my shoulder.

When I turned to see who it was, I was punched in the jaw and kicked in the 

stomach."  Stunned but still conscience, he recalls his arm being violently yanked by 

the man who was pulling at his purse until the strap broke.  The suspect proceeded 

to drag Geiger into an alleyway where he slammed him to the ground behind 

dumpsters.  "I knew then and their I had to fight.  I was in the Navy Seabee's back 

in the 50's you know, but that was decades ago.  I'm an old man now, so he kinda 

had the drop on me."  

     Overcoming Geiger's resistance, he straddled on top of him and pinned him to 

the ground.  The villain then pulled his own pants down before ripping Geiger's 

dress away.  "Boy did he get a big surprise then!" Geiger jeered.  "I had no 

undershorts on that day.  My wife Estelle was doing laundry and I had no underwear 

on!"  He continued, "He just stood there staring at my junk, you know?  I'm sure he wasn't counting on 

that!"  But Geiger wasted no time, he quickly went into action.  "I scrambled to my feet while he was 

gazing and grabbed the nearest object I could find--a Michelob bottle."  

     Breaking it over his assailant's head, Geiger bundled himself up and ran towards 

Sunset Blvd yelling for help.  A few workers at the "Crossroads" clothing company 

came to his aid.  Leading them back to the alley, they found only drops of blood 

trailing from the dumpster to the other end of the alley, the pervert had gotten away.  

     Relieved, albeit shell shocked, Geiger conceded, "If I had been a real woman, it 

would have been curtains for me!"  Estelle, his wife for 50 years, had this to say, 

"I've warned him time and time again that someday this would happen.  The old 

coot makes for a beautiful woman...irresistible!"  

     A few neighbors reported seeing a suspicious man lurking the area prior to this 

incident.  Sketchers are now working with them to produce an image for public 

distribution.  Any information leading to the arrest of this individual should be 

directed towards the Hollywood Police Department tipster hotline.  An investigation 

has been launched.